Revolution of the Mind

10:57pm: Show.
Woh. When I touch my upper pinkey joint, even ever-so-slightly, the top half or so of my finger gets the tinglies. Haha that's so awesome. I think it's kind of a sign of progress in the relativity of my responses to occurances that I didn't freak out the slightest when I saw my finger look like it was in two pieces after taking if out from between two pieces of mom's car's metal. I was like, "Woh. That looks impossible. Rivitting." And now it's all blue at the joint and the skin looks like a mini hurricaine demolished it. And then I got a shot alone so that my mom could sit in the car and not pay the $2 parking fee, and I didn't wince or anything, so apparently I'm totally over my irrational dread of needles. The nurse was awesome. Speaking of needles, i feel like watching Requiem for a Dream again. I liked it the first time but I think I'll get a different view watching it a year or two later (aka now).

ANYWAY

I don't know why I wrote all that. I posted an uneditted blog about philosophical things today on MySpace. It's probably too deep for a lot of you anti-deepness friends of mine. I don't know why I write any of this.


I was just writing to say that Sweetheart and Your Favorite Band is playing tomorrow with Social Suicide and Lester Special @ 7 at Ground Zero. I don't think I'll be able to go but I'd love to. I've actually never been to Ground Zero. Haha. Yay me. But no, i do want to go, I'll see what the fuck's going on with all this other school crap I have to do to get credit for my tap class but may not be able to do cuz i lost the ticket and blah blah. End of story.

Listening to new music. That's kinda nice. But most music is just lame and camoflauged and basically meaningless to me.

Oh and I finally got my artwork back from Julie Cardenas, who had it b/c it was put in the Acorn Review, which, by the way, is pretty nice and looks like a real book and makes my art look cool. Tehe.

Love you guys. No matter how out of it I am or how bland or upset or whatever I feel life is or I am or you are... I really do love you guys. Just try not to judge me. I don't know what to think of myself so you probably shouldn't either.

Oh and another thing. I finally told my mom about my secrets. Idk...it kind of just happened.

2:57pm: Thank God for paint. Thank God for songs. Things of the past will never die--isn't that comforting? Remindes me of Kurt Vonnegut's aliens. Things of the past will never die. So it goes.


Today I said to Rachel, "Life is so surreal. I always feel all emotions at the same time."
And she said, "Yeah, totally. I mean, what is life?"
I replied, "Haha, well I wasn't going that way so much; I've already thought about that a lot."
R: "I know. [pause] I feel like our memories are all that matter."
K: "They are."
R: "But what about memories that other people remember that we don't?"
And I said, "Those matter for them."
[pause]
R: "Do we even exist?" "
K: Whether or not we do, we're feeling this."
R: "Yes, but it's already gone."


("Have your cake, eat it too, lick the plate, fuck the cook")
I <3 you Rachel

2:21pm: get me away
If you don't complain about the little things you're not good at small talk and people don't notice you. If you talk shit about things you're a backstabber or complain too much.

If you have an imagination and aren't constantly hushing it, and/or if you think about the bigger picture and philosophize at all, you're on drugs; If you don't that's not to your credit either because you're usually mindless.

If you're selfless you get squashed in the spampeed and aren't remembered until after you pass along, but if you take a stand people hate you.

If you love, you are weak; if you don't, you are unworthy.

If you go along with other people's opinions, you're a pushover; if you have your own you're a freak or a dumbass and feel like a loner.



People are so full of shit



Thank God for Against Me!
I'm totally craving the song I Still Love You Julie ...still save us all...



Ever since Dave painted that picture in my mind of him living on the beach, with lots of money so he doesn't have to work, with his dog and his paint and the vast ocean in his front yard...I have imagined myself there just as fittedly. Loveless alass, but the best off possible. I hate this place. Some day I'll burn myself to the floor.

8:49pm: Up for a free concert tomorrow?
Hey, these guys (Yellowcard) are playing for free tomorrow at 8pm in the Qualcom Stadium parking lot. They're way good for free! lol some of us should go. I haven't been to a concert in like a month and that one was tiny!
o_0

tell it all and fill up the air
make it loud ‘cause nobody’s there (Nobody’s there)

stop, turn, take a look around
At all the lights and sounds
Let ‘em bring you in
slow, burn, let it all fade out
And pull the curtain down
Wonder where you been

Make it new but stay in the lines
Just let go
Keep it inside
Smile big, for everyone
Even when you know what they’ve done
They gave you the end but not where to start
Not how to build, how to tear it apart
Tell it all and fill up the air
Make it loud ‘cause nobody’s there

...

stop, turn, take a look around
At all the lights and sounds
Let ‘em bring you in
slow, burn, let it all fade out
And pull the curtain down
Wonder where you been
You earned everything you found
And painted faces frown
I say I knew you in

8:15pm: Am I disappearing?
Same thing as in my MySpace blog. If someone tells me people actually read that thing, I'll gladly stick to it but I don't think you guys do so here you go:

I'm in one of those wierd states where you could do anything to me and I'd just be like, "well that's life." It's really odd. I don't quite feel human.

Today was super dreamy. Not as in good, just as in like, my perception, my thoughts, my "ness" were made of smeared pastels.

After SAT prep I hung out at the drama rehearsal. Ah, all such wonderful people, I miss them incredibly. I realized during that interaction that since I entered Middle College, I have become more honest about what I like and such, but I am SO much less outgoing. It was insane to realize that, because I always assumed and felt like I was developing into a more confident, comfortable person more at peace with things. Now I just feel like I don't have enough strength to partake in happiness or fun impulses or anything. I've come to accept things too much; I've given up. I'm living on a monotone tune, not the worthwhile piece with more than just a lame series of notes. And I'm a push-over because I'm too sensitive to what others want and what would make them feel good. Which isn't even good for them most the time. People need to realize things and learn from reality, not just have what they want handed to them on a silver platter with me apparently wearing an invisibility cloak.

Tonight, Rachel, Katherine and I had a little band practice and I crapped out half way through because I couldn't handle what was going on in there. (I mean I went and watched the sun and its gifts to the world overcast with fire, the houses and people and cars and waves all glittering in disaster from a ball of heat strong enough to evaporate everything we know. The band kept playing. The fire's headed towards Katherine's house. I have blood in my veins.) No one else would have have thought twice about the goings on at practice, but I want something so bad and there is literally no hope and I feel like I'm dead and just like floating around, just pretending to have communications and relationships. I honestly don't feel real.

We'll see if Art History guy can shake me out of this ghost who's attached to life through a thick glass wall. Maybe he can. But that's not real, either. He loves no one.

Poor Rachel, I never should have told her, weeks ago, the reason I abadoned practice today. She must see everything 100% different now and has to live with not revealing this secret.

Maybe sleep will clear these dreams for me. I'm going to bed early tonight.

8:57pm: My Conclusion (So it goes.)
I’m so damn lucky, I shouldn’t complain. I should be glad we have no money, for if we did it might replace any existing love. I should be glad that the person I admire the most (society’s demands aside) has left me...again. Glad that I have someone to love at all, glad that he’s not dead, that he didn’t go severely Jekyll & Hyde on me or abuse me more than he has. Glad that he loves me, glad that he is as wonderful as he is. I should be thankful my mother cares about me, and see the occasional verbal abuse and the restrictions as a sign of her desire of something more for me, her desire for me to achieve and to find something true and whole. I should be glad I’m no one’s best friend, and that I have no lover, because if I did I would bring them down with my past and my present and all the things that kill me. And I don’t want to hurt anyone at all. Glad that the person I truly love can never love me back but is my friend, who I know completely and love for their mistakes too-- is a very deep friend. I should be thankful for my past, for it has taught me, and for my brother who has demanded patience, self-control, and taught me the complications of morality and how the best people do the worst things and how I should never judge a single soul ever, at all. There is no eternal evil. No truth rules out the rest. There is no heaven, no hell, no ultimates of anything that linger past a moment. I’m glad for what I experienced with Dima, what I saw in Timothy, what I loved in Tony, the essence Ryan shared with me, and what I learned from them all. I should be thankful for my life because I can see and feel and understand, and feel, and feel. My life is not so bad, I should never complain. I have been loved, I have been cared for, I have run through forests and felt spirituality, I’ve flown in dreams and ridden on rainbows, and seen what others have never noticed in our waking lives. I am human enough to be dependent and deprived enough to be independent. I should never complain again.

3:59pm: Sorry.
Hey guys, just wanna say sorry if I seem antisocial. Something happened to me I can't and don't want to let anyone know about and I'm pretty messed up right now, so just don't worry about me. I'll float on. Have good days and just don't mind me if I'm like not all tripped out by something or happy to be visible. I love you guys.

1:26pm: (= ¡Yay concerts! =)
Oh man, the concert Friday was good!!! tehe and Sweethart is an *awesome* band...omg...and they're all fun and sexy and good friends with Your Favorite Band and it's great. But when they tackled YFB's drummer, I think they might have broken some equipment. Oops! ^.^
It was Katheine, Ryan C, Rachel, Katherine's friend Joe, and me and it was sooo goooood! And with a crowd of 80 or so, you kind of need a small venue, and this was like the tiniest little dug out in a big Presbyterian church that we packed the place and everyone went at it =P

9:39pm: I'm back?
Hi everyone. I kinda switched to MySpace at the beginning of the summer so if you're curious about what's been going on or more like what I've been thinking, and/or if you want a long but pretty concise summary of my roadtrip, check my MySpace blogs. I'm at


I'll go ahead and post my blog post that I posted today, since it's nice and recent. Lots of "post" in that last sentence. lol. For the music & mood parts of this I'll pretend I'm writing that.
Here:



It's odd, I think most people feel this somewhere inside but it's been surfacing more and more lately. I'm quite aware of things in my past that have changed me, but I can't help but feel something pure when I see the setting sun. Something so beautiful, endlessly cycling, dying half the time.

I sat in the park downtown the other day and there was a man with his cup, jingling his coins. And the people in their suits walked by blindly. I can't help but feel emberassed when something strikes me so insane. I'm emberassed that I have never chosen to go on like that. I'm afraid I might have just quit and left the world. And I bet those people, so numb in their suits, look down on this man, who has the bravery to sit under glaring eyes, hungry and lonely, with a past we'll never know, a reason for his cup and jinggles, and a strength to tough it out, unsure.

When I passed the T.V. my parents were watching the hurricane survivors in a ghetto by New Orleans. And again I felt emberrassed when I saw a woman's face, her strength to pack up and leave with her four children and no support, pack up and walk into whatever may be waiting. "It's gotta be better than this," she said, and walked in a hurry. I'm ashamed to have a roof above my head, to have food in the kitchen, to have a barely scarred face.

I even feel ashamed knowing that trees fall each day, a sacrafice and done as a fact. I'm ashamed that if I were them I could get up and run. And I'm emberrassed at all children, emberrassed at their honesty, their sencerity, their simplicity. I see no face in the setting sun, I look in the water, there's no reflection, only waves that caress a slight change in their color, adpating to my intrusion so easily.

I don't understand how people go on. I don't understand how everyone's alone. It just makes no sense, that we sit in our cars or in our little offices, our cells that keep us appart. I feel I don't deserve this, I don't deserve my luxury to be emberrassed, to be ashamed.

12:26pm: Dream
I finally had a good dream again. I dreamt that we were camping or something in a group and found a place in this campground that mom didn’t like, with holes to puncture mom’s tires that were covered up with boards, and there were pretty trees lining the place and red-robed, long-straight-blond-haired, red lipsticked, constantly Barbie-smiling nuns who were only a little older than me.

I continued planning my trip to Korea with a friend, which i had started in previous dreams, and i told my friend i was planning it with, who had everything in a shoe box, that i twasn’t going to happen and she agreed, adding that she’d seen this happen like three times that day already. But we kept planning.

The next thing i remember was leaving our little ring in the forest and going exploring or something, and we all kind of got anime powers and could fly and stuff. Except we spent most our time watching this one adult guy in our group fight off the bad people who’d evidently taken over out campsite, which was now more like an alien landing spot than a campground, and it had big Spaceship-type walls like Star Wars, and he flew through this one area that didn’t have the wall to go fight off these intruders. We all rejoiced and went between being slightly anime and being totally human.

After that the next thing I remember was going off to explore and ending up in this uh...coffee place? It was like a building where everything seemed to have been transferred to, including our shoebox of Korea secret journey info. There were about three of us planning this trip and i remember leaving a note card on the passenger’s seat of the car, where i had been sitting, that said something like “We’re going to Korea” and somehow let it be known that we would be back. But anyway, in this building of sorts, this guy i knew started flirting with me and telling me things about all sorts of stuff, and then he said something like, “you know, if your friend is about to kiss someone and you brush your face down theirs, they’ll drool?” or something like that and i thought of how mean but kind of good humored it would be to do that to Ashley and Topher, and then he was like, “watch, try it” and i mentioned that he wasn’t trying to kiss someone else right now and he promised he’d try to pretend he was, and like imagine it and all, and so we did it but it didn’t work, so we tried it again and it didn’t work, and then we just kissed and it was perfectly casual and calm and nice and smooth. Ah, twas lovely. As lovely as the forest there.

People came in and hurried us out of there and then we were about to be off...when i was woken up.

Pretty kick-ass, huh? hehe

I think a bird might have just flown into my window b/c i heard a rather small, really random, condensed “boom” on the glass. Gonna go check.

Love you all!

12:04am: Rhythm in Motion
Is it just me or does everything seem to be in sync? goddamnit that shitty boy band has polluted that phrase for ever. Seriously though, when I listen to music candle flames always bounce and dance and reach and duck to the beat; when there's music the butterflies outside always weave back and forth deleriously to the beat; when i'm playing music, animations are in sync and the temp at which people beat their eyelashes and the rhythm at which fish swim and dogs chase their tails and birds peck for seeds and window shades rattle in the summer breeze, winter storms--they're are all in sync. I swear music takes us over and molds us into a different prospective, where everything makes more sense or at least seems more conforting in its lonliness and surreality. Rhythim is a wonderous thing. Music is the purest drug, the pures communication, the purest message and outlet. I swear it puts us all on the same wave length. And believe it or not, I've never been stoned so don't give me that cliché.

3:06am: An Other MySpace Blog being transferred
Music Is The Best Drug Ever Ever Ever

...the mystery tramp, but now you realize, he's not selling any alibis, as you stare into the vacuum of his eyes...

Wow, today has been a total music day. I mean i'm always listening to music but today music has found me even and made me really emotional. like, i usually don't even listen to bob dylan but i was listening to him and fell in love with Shelter From The Storm, Lay Lady Lay, and Like A Rolling Stone...and i cried when i was singing Like a Rolling Stone. Hm. Awesome. And now I'm listening to Under the Milkyway by Echo & the Bunnymen and am like wow this is the most amazing song ever, and so is One Toke Over the Line by the Grateful Dead, which I keep coming back to. I donno. But it's pretty cool. I love being emotional

So my mom says i have to go to summer school tomorrow, even if i'm sure i'm going to drop it right away. who wants Calculus 4 days a week at night (prime social time) and *during the summer*?! ¡¡Not I!! ...back to Lay Lady Lay. I love you guys. Everything is so incredible. Which remindes me, try that wine glass thing i explained on livejournal just now. pretty trippy. i'm not tipsy though, i'm just like...in awe, a blah sort of awe, like a calm wise man lol

Am I the only one or does the background of Lay Lady Lay by Bob Dylan remind you of the song in that flash animation on www.albinoblacksheep.com called Life Seen Through the Eyes of a Pecimist or something like that? Plz? lol

...whatever colors you have in your mind, I show them to you and you see them shine...

1:23am: wine glass magic :p
woh okay next time you have a short & stout wine glass with a liquid in it, get the wine or water or juice or w/e and make the cup like 1/4 full and then old it in front of you at like a 45° angle (from horizontal) towards you and look at your finger...it's so trippy
if you don't see it, try tilting it up and down a little but who knows, maybe it's just this glass.

9:30am: *stretch and sigh*
alright! So!!
I slept in till 5pm, when i was woken up, so i naturally was unable to sleep until late the next day. (If you're gonna wait that late you should let me sleep until the next day!) So I suppose that was built up exhaustion from schoo, and i felt much relieved and unstressed after that. i got about 30 minutes sleep, because i had to wake up for my brother's graduation from high school!! Whoooohoooo i'm so proud of him or happy for him or something...lol He's going to Santa Barbara. Graduation was decent and i got to say hi and flirt with some old friends. That night we went to Kayleigh's house and then to Rocky Horror Picture Show (I skipped the park for a nap). ROCKY WAS AWESOME!!! It was lingerie night and there were a lot of people and our two virgins rocked it so that was good. I thought of Paige and missed her and felt bad she wasn't with us. On the way out I saw the like sexies guy i've seen in for ever and kind of like paused my walk because i was like stunned and then he was like "Hey Katy! What are you doing here?!" and i was like OMFG hahaha twas an old friend of my brother named Dwight Crow. Pretty cool guy i think so that was neat. Then we went back to Kayleigh's and Rachel & Katherine left and then Kayleigh, Ashely and me got into this awesome philosophical conversation and it was sooo f-in cool--i LOVE those talks. whoof! We got like 2 hours of sleep and then got up. I went home and took an hour or so nap, planning to get to Courtney's party late and then party hop to Robby's family's party. God i wish we were in love, he's got the most awesome family and aura. i love it!
So anyhoo, i woke up in order to go to the party but then i saw my dad and decided to skip the party for painting with my daddy. So i did. I painted with my daddy and it was so bonding and relaxing. Ahh I'm just afraid of the hole I'll have while he's gone, don't even know when he's coming back, just like last time. and man that screwed me up last time. Um okay so I painted some neat works and then went with Rachel and Katherine to Robby's party and that was really fun! We danced a lot and watched the incredibly animated band and all the spellbound feelers dancing. pretty cool. robby kept disappearing though haha but i met his sister, who seems really sweet, and we talked to collin and his gf and i saw teachers from Elementary School!!! It was such a trip! I was like. Um. I . uhh. Yeah! I do know you!! haha and then i saw Mrs. Olecso (spel?) and that was really happifying hehe so Rachel said she'd get me Robby's number so we can hang out but there's the whole drug delema, pretty much only a delema now because of friends who are for-square against it heh but we can still hang out and mess around =) lol not sexually necessarily, just have fun together.
Now I'm off to watch the first episode of Starwars, unless I decide to clean this pigstye instead. =:) (it's both a mowhawker and a hippo...see it?)
I love you guys! You all must come next Friday night to Rocky and we're totally gonna dress up all the way yaya too bad i'm not aloud to go to the Monty Python show they're putting on tonight but i'm sure Kayleigh and Dirk will have fun
:D
i love you!!!! mmm...i am thoroughly enjoying semi-frozen blue berries. and cantalope almost as much. yay for taste bud highs!
o and tomorrow i cant do anything cuz i'm going downtown to museums w/my fambly and prolly not Monday b/c i have a driving lesson, summer school and a lot of things i want to make progress on at home. glad summer's here! *send Rachel's nosebridge kiss out to all of you*
If you're upset, remember it's all relative. i saw a lot of nonsense today with woe-is-me's over nothings hehe last love you for tonight MUAH!

5:48pm: update...apology?
hey ok so i'm kinda tired, like uh, i got a bout a million hours of sleep the night before last and about 30 minutes last night, then bro's graduation today so hrm, i was going to go to that picknick but then my mom said she might take me to the east goast this summer but that i have to plan out all the colleges and crap. So anyway, i don't feel that tired but i'm having trouble breathing--thinkin i should probably sacrafice the park (i wouldn't have gotten a ride anyway b/c rachel left and didnt call and my parents are gone or are like hiding or something) for Rocky Horror tongiht. Dude i'm gonna be pissed as hell if dirk goes to the park thing but not rocky. hahaha that would be just my luck. and i hope Kayleigh isn't let down because i told her i'd be there today so we could talk about our adventure this summer, which just got confused with this unexpected idea of college hopping the east coast. hrm, well...off to sleep or lye in bed wishing i was sleeping or something. CALL ME SO I CAN GO TO ROCKY it would be classic for my mom to "let me" sleep. that'd suck. love you guys! muah!

P.S. Dude...my brother's done with high school...wohhh

o my mom just got home, who knows if i'll be sleeping now. but call anyway and invite dirk lol and make sure to come!!

11:01pm: Run Away With Me! =D Up the coast this summer...pleeeeeease?!
HEYYYYY IS ANYONE OUT THERE
I think I'll travel this summer. I'll leave a note and go. Maybe I'll visit Brandy or go up to San Fran. I'm thinking along the coast would be much better cuz it'll be summer and then I can just sleep by the beach. Anyone wanna come with? It'd be much more fun with someone else =P
I'm getting my grade money soon so then I'll be able to pay for public buses and food if I decide I need them.

10:42pm: We must define our OWN generation!
I feel like rockin the whole world. You realize we have like zero long-lasting, good music from our generation? It sucks! Something MUST be changed!

...and she's buying the stairway to heaven.

Clubs and show places have been taken over by ever-disappearing emo bands, annoying screamo bands, punk bands that all sound the same, and angry metal bands. What the hell, man? So much so that we take refuge in music of the past. And a lot of that music rocks but it's NOT OURs! What ever happened to creating your own image? It's fine to enjoy the stories of others and learn from their lives, but you should always live your *own* life! We're all uncertain replicas of the media's consumer-image and sucky versions of our idols. Any thing good that starts is blown to the horizon by like bands/sinngers conforming to conventional doesn't-last music or by like advertizing shoes or something shitty like that. We remenisce over the dead instead of going forward with what we crave.

Damn it, we're going to change this nonsense no matter what it takes!

If you feel like running away to San Francisco, do it. If you feel like dropping out of high school, going to community college, and transering to Amherst, do it. If you feel like being homeless and hitch hiking everywhere, hopping trains and seeing the world, do it. If you wanna join the Peace Corps and helping heal this broken world, do it. If you want to be a politician who doesn't take bribes or start wars or any of that, do it. If you think something's wrong, protest--write a song or poem or hit the streets. And for god's sakes, if you wish good music was still alive, make it!!

12:40pm: Vwhoosh!!! =D
Today I woke up at 10 by my dad, who burried his face in my hair and told me how I smelled like smoke, like a bonfire, like the ocean, and about a million other things. Glad no one was smoking last night. Rachel picked me up and we went to drop out HS books at Sue's and then continued on towards Katherine's. On the way Rachel told me about this car in front of us that was a big brick-like brown box of a car covered in mud, with an antenae
wavering back and forth from the middle of the front of the car, and the driver was wearing a cowboy hat...as we were driving into wildesque Jamule. At this point I put in my contacts, and one of them had sand in it that i hadn't noticed and it hurt like fuck but w/e it cleaned it and got em in with some effort. We got to Katherine's and woke her up so she got to look at her clock and go, "damn you, you guys are late" with a grin on her face, and thus began band practice. Except after breakfast and groggy eyes finished opening, Rachel was like, i don't know what i feel like doing but it's def. not making music. and katherine and i both snorted with our loving, "ah rachel we love you but get down to the damn paino" smile and after like 15 minutes rachel was overloaded and pulled out her imfamously comforting Billy Joel music but she luckily picked a song that was just as hard for her as what we were practicing so we just started learning a different song katherine wrote, so rachel got her varriety and it was all good and fun. haha

Then was graduation and i tried really hard to not be grossed out by the clichés smiles, speeches, clothing, and music, and actually felt a sincere joy by the end, and i was with jessica and she didn't mention her positive decision that someone like puts drugs in my drinks and she actually talked to me and it was neat, so anyway, we were going around congratulating our favorite seniors and goddamnit i wish i had a crush on Robbie, that kid is the coolest guy i've like ever even seen. lol I'll get to hang out with him at his parent's party (he's also got a family to kill for) Saturday, after Courtney's. And we bit farewell to the two sweetest gay guys I know and Collins and someone Jessica knew who i didn't. lol

Then we went ice skating and it was *amazing*~~ Wow it ROCKED I had completely forgotten what a rush feeling that free is!! (It was my first time on a rink since I used to take classes with Rachel and go with Katie Hill) wow...it was suuuch a trip. And Katherine used to be like pro so she showed off for us, with good reason for it! hehe We were all like, o yea, your sexy..and so many people were there! Ok after Ashely, Topher, Nick, and Roz went and "stole" (?) socks from the laundromat, Paige, Kaleigh, Gabe, Courtney and maybe other people lol came and it was so awesome; it's so good that our group is like big and diverse yet so tight, i love it. Oh and Katherine, rachel and I totally were retro by accident haha, like, i was wearing Katherine's size 3 (?!?!) pants that looked totally emo on me and instantly made me feel like grabbing my guitar and rocking out. God those things had like undenyable energy, it was spiiiifyy. So Katherine was in these hot, vibrant baby-blue pants with little white stars all over them and Rachel had her hair up in this awesome thing of wowness, with a purple ribbon or something tied up in it and I was wearing sexy emo pants with thisfunny striped shirt and we were sooo retro, it was great. we got pictures =) hehe

Then we went to Denny's and I sat between kayleigh and Paige and across from Gabe and it was happy times...all of today was happiness, i can't imagine it having been gayer. So in the car on the way home I talked to Paige for a long time and she's so awesome, i can't even like imagine someone I'd have more respect for, interest in, and connection with, it's like...wow. You rock.

I'm so glad it's ~~~~~~¡¡¡¡SUMMER!!!!~~~~~~~

2:00am: MYSPACE
Hey guys,
I've pretty much switched to MySpace but like no one reads blogs on there so um I'm gonna copy my entries into here, setting the date/time to what it was when i wrote it. so like, no "new" entries, but everything after that last one you guys guot a while ago, yea that's off myspace lol
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!
i had a blast today, you all rock! =D

1:54am: Dreams Better Be Good Tonight...
I was watching my shadow grow and shrink, noticing how unattached i felt from any fear or curiosity and unawareness of my mild interest in it, when i realized i should mention what the plan is for tomorrow. Band practice at 12, graduation at 4:30 (?) and ice skating afterwards at Joan Crock. Yay i feel special, i sung at the opening of that place lol Remember to wear a white top and black pants tomorrow. uh. i wish we could have an exotic graduation, it'd be unique and much more sincere. I don't know what people insist on abiding by traditions. Traditions are so nonsensical. Damn lemmings and apathetics! heh though right now i feel just about apathetic. bad sign, i'm listening to music again though (Waking Life Soundtrack&Philip Glass). i hope i have a good/interesting dream! And you should too!
Nightie,
~Katy

1:34am: I feel like an intruder, observer at best.
I feel odd, like I've died and am watching things happen without participating. I think I’ve already described that feeling in here. I donno, I just...I feel like I just walked into someone else's life, them thinking I'm someone they expect, and me not knowing them, their routines, their expectations or their pasts. Like I understand but i don't relate.

Hmph we went to the beach and it was fun with Paige & TJ and Topher & Ashley but a little later I felt a kinda weird not having someone to adore, which just made me think of Dirk haha but then I remembered that Rachel had said something to me kind of belittling about how i was probably talking to Dima in his little jail or something and i was like umm...ok.... but then i didn't get the whole feeling of shit man, i dated a guy who tried to kill his neighbor, what a fucking life i have...so that was a good surprise.
Rachel and corey were tackling each other really playfully and i got to know Paige a bit better. I think Paige and I have a lot in common. Then Paige & TJ left and Topher & ashley were alone and i was warming myself by the fire and admiring random things while katherine and rachel were all over corey. no wonder he's getting so comfortable with his physicality. i just worry he'll get attached to all the attention and won’t get it. but yea, then payam came with weed and no paper or bong/pipe/lighter so we went down to jack in the box, which closed before the time its hours admitted to closing at and they wouldn't take our order in the drive though so we were like w/e and when we got back, katherine and corey were in a lump under a blanket so we joined them and talked some more, after payam went off.

ok so the part worth telling is that on the way home, rachel was like wow, there's like no one out. that's really rare for san diego, you kno? etc. (about the traffic...or lack thereof) and then we both got this vibe like we were entering an unknown city, you know? like when you first drive over a mountain and are coming down into a valley filled with the unfamiliar lights of unfamiliar people and their distant lives. that's like what it was, and we both totally got it, both having lived here for ever.
When i got to my doorstep and didn't recognize my own dog and when i got in the one unlocked door, everything was dark and unfamiliar. it wasn't like i'd never been here before, it was just like i didn't know the place. some places you are in for two minutes and know them, others you can be around for years and still feel unrelated. well i felt alone, not lonely but factually alone (which i suppose i was) and it was really odd and so surprising that i didn't turn a single light on so that I could engrave the feeling into something more than just my subconscious.
It was quite amazing after having lived here for as long as i can remember to feel like this is someone else's home, with completely separate memories and unfamiliar lives.
And then my mom just crept to my doorway in the dark and stood there silently and i couldn't really see her so when she didn't respond to my "say something" sentence that I repeated several times, each more uneasy than the time before, it kinda scared me heh. Dang im a tweaker without the drugs. what a rip off

1:08am: Chocolate!
Aaaa! Chocolate!! Give me chocolate!!! *gasps*

oo...that sounds like a code for something...and remindes me of rachel's strange "Katy, your mother and I have been talking about you, and we decided, there will be no more...CHOCOLATE!!!!" episode...

8:43am: High
I just saw Mr. A. and it was so HAPPY! My face is like freakin out from smiling so much.
haha I think I'm gonna paint now...ahh this feels great...no fucking final or homework or anything tomorrow! Woohoo!! Maybe I'll go visit Grossmont High friends and rent somethin-r-other times at Ridgemond High or w/e that movie is that an old hippy friend said his HS days were like hehehe i expect mucho drugs.
Mmmm good music and friends and everything blooming bright colors, ah, i could die happy right now.

The only bad thing is that "bouncy" face. Dang that thing bounces way too fast
Yay! Mr. A.'s the coolest!! We need to take a theater class together and work one some songs so we can perform...that was about our band

...and oh jesus freekin whatzit. you would not believe. our yearbook this year is soooo funny, it's like...stoner to the max. The name is Half Baked...you open it and the pic of a burrito looks more like a joint than anything else, and then the first quote is that billy joel one about rather laughing with the sinners than crying with the saints, and the 2nd quote i saw was "how many special people change, how many lives are living strange, where were you when we were getting high?"~Oasis. And the first picture was of a brownie, with a recipe for them. Heh. Couldn't believe it.

7:00am: All better...
Yay! Okay so the day's still young but so far today's been the day this time round that i get back into the swing of things
the plan was to go to the movies...kinda blah but better than nothing...but like our group as a whole just had really bad chemestry so shawn, steph and rachel zoomed off, all cool and everything, and katherine, topher, ashely, ryan c and i went MINI GOLFING! YAY! hahaha it was SO fun lol
The ironic thing is i've been incredibly out of it today. Like, I kept pressing on the turn-knob on the sink in Rubios wondering why it wouldn't go on...clicking the paper towels pushie thingie expecting soap to come out...caught by an official dancing lol! and like um i donno a lot of other things. But it made katherine and i bond really well together today and like, we were kind of brought down at this one point but then we (du-du-du-dunnn) crossed the trolly tracks!!! (lol i think it's really funny that scares ppl so much) and climbed up that big hill which got out some of that energy and got hit on by some nutts (to which i half-expected katherine to scream I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR PENIS!!! but she didn't lol) and then listened to Bohemian Rapshody, which made everything that has ever gone wrong seem like no big deal at all...it was absolutely wonderful and we were def. on the same level. So screw the cool people and their shoppingness! lol! Shawn's music was funny in his car, it was like this really African-sounding stuff, like a really musically tallented tribe hah but the lyrics were about like gangsta fo life or w/e...i totally woulda liked it a lot more if i didn't know english.

anyway...off to see Mr. Arapostathis! hehe i still remember how to spell his name...i remember it was on one of our vocab tests once...for those of you who don't know, Mr. A was my life-changing 2nd grade teacher who got me into music, got me singing, and directed several shows I was in, including Annie, the most awesome run in the experience of this universe or something. twas awesome. Okay, well they're moving him from Murdock Elementary to Lemon Avenue or some crap like that so he's having a party to celebrate his moving--hahaha i mean to give him a good farewell. Wow, I sound a lot like Katherine. Yay! I love you guys! Hugs and kisses!

1:40am: then again...
To counteract that last blog i just wanna say...life is beautiful!!
We're all so damn lucky so be here, i shouldn't complain.